Unforgiven
by SeekHim
Summary: Ensign Chekov realizes that he will never be forgiven. AU. Part 14 of my 'A New Start' and Neferit's 'This is the End' universe.


Disclaimer  
I'm not making a cent from this story.  
Chekov and the Enterprise crew belong to Star Trek.  
The name Saratoga comes from Neferit's "This is the End' series.

Notes  
Other stories in this universe are, in chronological order:  
_Prologue_  
_Chastise_  
_A New Start_  
_A New Season  
Parallels_  
_Unforgiven  
Final Flight_

* * *

6/7/2265

For seven years I lived for only one reason. And now that reason is gone.

For seven years I endured the stares and whispers of other crews, the silent disproval of Starfleet Command  
and the harshness and mockery of civilians.

For seven years I endured the invisible Scarlet Letter emblazoned upon me. And for seven years I endured  
the crushing guilt and shame.

I endured it and never once complained. After all it was nothing less than what I and the rest of the crew  
of the _Enterprise_ deserved. We had betrayed the Hero who saved Earth. We had betrayed our Captain.

We betrayed him with our assumptions, our harshness, our logic, our disinterest and, in my case,  
my foolishness.

I may have been a prodigy and a boy genius, but in the end I was nothing more than a foolish child.  
A foolish child who let himself be swayed by the opinions of others. A foolish child who participated  
by not being wise enough to know how NOT to participate.

So for seven years I silently endured and clung to the one hope that I had. The faint, fragile hope  
that someday the Captain might forgive me.

And then that hope was shattered forever as I watched the _Saratoga_ explode in a ball of flame.

At first all I felt was shock and horror.

Then I felt unbearable grief. Grief that I would never be able to tell the Captain how sorry I was for  
failing him. Grief that I would never be able to gain his forgiveness.

But then the true torment came. The searing realization.

The realization that not only had we betrayed our Captain...we were now responsible for his death as well.

Oh, I'm certain that the others, especially Commander Spock, would disagree with that assessment.  
He would say that whatever else we may be guilty of Captain Kirk's death is not one of them.  
He would say that the Klingons were solely to blame.

But it wasn't solely the Klingons' fault it was also ours. I know it. All I need to do is look at the facts.

Fact: We betrayed Captain Kirk and in the process we _hurt_ him. We hurt so badly that he couldn't bear  
to remain on the _Enterprise_. So he left and accepted command of the _Saratoga_ instead.

Fact: The_ Saratoga_ was a tiny ship with a crew of a hundred. A research vessel with minimal weapons  
and defenses. It was small, vulnerable and above all an easy target. Of course the Klingons might have  
been willing to attack the _Enterprise, _but they would have been much more hesitant to do so because  
of our size and weapons, not to mention the fact that attacking the Flagship would have risked war  
with the Federation. And if they _had_ attacked it, the action would have been planned and authorized  
by their High Command, _not_ by a single Commander who wanted to snatch a little extra glory in his  
spare time.

Fact: If the Captain had been on the _Enterprise_ where he belonged, Kor would probably never have  
attacked him. And even if he had, he wouldn't have been able to cripple the _Enterprise_ with only a few  
shots. The Captain would have had other options for saving his crew. Options other than evacuating them  
in shuttles and then ramming his ship headlong into the Klingons. Options that didn't require him dying.

Fact: The simple brutal truth is that if it hadn't been for us Captain Kirk would still be alive.  
We killed him as surely as if we fired on his ship ourselves. And now our hands are filthy with his blood.

Fact: We betrayed our Captain and we drove him to his death. Those are two sins which can never  
be forgiven.

For seven years I lived for only one reason. The faint, fragile hope that someday the Captain might  
forgive me. But now that day will never come.

And my agony will never end.


End file.
